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Made In Heights — Murakami

It’s just a story though
Is it a story though?
I can’t tell if it happened cause it felt impossible
Don’t know whether it was real or a dream
Imagination playing tricks on me”

For a while after the divorce of my last relationship, I could feel those exact words that you just read above in quotes as if Made In Heights read my own mind and created these lyrics from it. I lost a girl from my dreams and one of the greatest loves of my life to severe depression. No, she did not pass away or commit suicide, but to be honest it felt as if she had.

We tried living on the Amalfi Coast for a while because ‘why would heaven on earth not be able to cure anyone?’, I thought. But it was as if I was living there by myself with a ghost most of the time. The girl that once gave me back my inspiration was gone, and there was nothing that I could say or do to pull her out of it. I knew, after some time, that there was no room in her broken heart for me. She was mourning and grieving the death of a parent that she loved more than life itself, and I had to either just wait for her to get over it while myself dying slowly in the process, or, I had to leave her be.

Back in NYC I had to learn to breathe on my own again. You see, in my culture it is taboo to speak about your problems to others, especially because everyone else has their own problems to deal with, and why should we so selfishly burden others. We don’t seek therapy in other people who don’t know much better than us, no. We seek the answers to our problems within ourselves, and so that’s what I did. I decided to figure out what else life has in store for me, and slowly, I moved on.

I hear the bells I hear the wind
I hear a song in my heart again
In the tenderness moves all things
Like a poltergeist in the streets”

Today I realize that life is truly a gift, and that wasting away that gift doing anything else but enjoying the moment is an assumption about life that I’m not willing to bet on because I really don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that love will always follow me, and that those loves will always continue to be of the best kinds. I do still catch glimpses of her in my dreams which all feel very real, but my heart started cranking up again and spinning so profoundly that I just can’t afford to let it die once more.

What’s the difference in my love or scheme?
The difference in what you say what you mean?
What you mean you don’t really know?
I’m losing touch with the physical
I’m showing up in the future like I’ve been here before
Ain’t that a story though?
Like you ain’t even know
Somebody switching the digits up on my Casio
Don’t know whether this is real or a dream
Imagination playing tricks on me”