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Years & Years – Memo

I realised too late I love you, but I am not in love with you. I feel so deeply for you I cannot hurt you, but in return I am slowing dying next to you. I am half of who I used to be and I don’t recognise myself anymore. I catch myself talking out load alone because it’s easier than talking to you.

I left my life and let you lead only to end up in a world I created that I no longer see myself in. I look back and I have disappeared from my old life, so you see—the path I yearn for doesn’t exist anymore. My options are to stay or leave. Stay here? Leave where? Would I try and find myself and my place, and hurt you and hurt me? It will hurt me, but there is nothing that hurts more than thinking I am wasting away here in a life and path with no track. I am overworked and bored. I call out to you and you ignore me sitting there next to you. I feel pathetic and then you look at me with your eyes and give me a wink letting me know you heard me, but clearly wasn’t worth an answer. A wink like the cheap date at the end of the bar. Like the person you intend to fuck but not listen to their pre-planned morning after pitch. 

Looking back at where I came from which has now vanished, no spot for me. I am walking along and the path before me is slowly forming around yours and my previously walked path is crumbling under my heels.  I made the world I live in and feel it implode around me. I feed in to you manipulating me in to feeling bad for being mad at you for being mean to me. Now I am left feeling guilty for you being mean and apologising and I don’t remember where this circle started. No, it started with you being a fuck. That in turn turned in to me being one. So fuck you. And fuck me.

Don’t get full of yourself. I have been here before. You are not the first person I fucked up for. You are not the first to talk me in to it. To take your hand. “Come on babe, what do we have to lose? I love you, remember?

I have been called worse. I felt worse. I have seen my lowest and even if I don’t like it here, and there is no place for me looking back, I am still never going back down. I didn’t give you my number in the first place and now we share a password to a world and account we made together, and I can’t breath. I can’t breath. And I can leave if I can afford it. It’s worth it and I am too. 

I’ll be seeing you. Let me know what to pick up for dinner.

PS. Years & Years, unreal. Such beautiful, complex music. The album is streamed at that link. I am patiently waiting to see them in concert and have him give me a hug as we talk about how much we hurt while we laugh at the same time.