I guess I never asked you to come with me.”
I was talking to my Dad last night about moving back to America and he was reminding me of the freedom I have with my situation. No kids. Not scared to move to new places. Ability to fund myself. At a place where I don’t call for money, I can now call for insights and advice from my parents. No furniture other than the IKEA stuff that I can leave behind. No kids.
But, I have been with someone for a long time. I met him three weeks after moving to LA years ago and then made it a goal to finally move to London where we met, and I wanted to be since I was 11. It was a relationship built on what we were willing to sacrifice to be with the other. 2AM Skype calls. Expensive tickets. Loopholes in the system to stay bits longer. Align business travel with rendezvous as often as we can. It was a a relationship held together by simple twists of fate.
Midstep, mind changed
Heart hurt and chest pains
Mouth moved, but no sound
We’d gave up our ground
Caught it too late now
We’re moving on
The cards have been laid down
How long do you keep fighting? Keep doing whatever you can? Something Dad said hit me. “When do you stop fighting for it and get to enjoy it?” I couldn’t answer that question. I have always been fighting for it. The familiar feeling of anxiety when we separated. Like my lungs couldn’t get enough oxygen until I saw him again. Like my vision turned to black and the only thing that made me calm again was seeing him, even if just at our rendezvous somewhere, anywhere for two days. I would plan our next meeting each last day we had.
And I try to hold back
The hundreds of things I have wanted to ask
And I want it so bad (so bad, so bad)
Yeah, I want it so bad”
When I realised I needed to go back, this whole experience now feels like my life was on pause, like I was prolonging the inevitable. Perhaps it was idealistic to think this was anything more than it was. It was a riptide from under our feet, the pulls of reality, of our aspirations – realising that perhaps we were only meant to run perpendicular, no parallel, that our lives wouldn’t allow for anything else.
Chin up, chest out
Feet set, no doubts
You came and you went
Our time was so ill spent”
Perhaps there comes a point when fighting to keep something from falling apart is time we should have spent building something new. Perhaps I should have asked you to come with me and see if you were willing to fight like I did.
This track, the instrumental at the end, all of this makes so much sense to me. The music transcends you in to a feeling euphoria and acceptance. The lyrics reminiscent of the few seconds after you said what you need, but before you turn to walk away.