She asked what it was like to not be self conscious.
She was asking as I said I didn’t worry about being cheated on. I never thought about it. In my mind, it was not about thinking “who else is he going to go for?”. It is the fact that I have another hundred things that are rotating through my mind at any given moment. I am not worried if he is looking at someone else. I am not worried if he is going to cheat. If he does, he does. If he looks at someone else, he is human. I cannot change who someone else is.
And I couldn’t be with someone who wanted to change me.
I said I don’t worry because I see him every night before I go to sleep and that is all I need. He can do what he needs to do before then because I am the one he comes home to, and I know I am his home and he knows he is mine. I don’t need to own him. I don’t need to worry about him.
It all came up over a girls night of girls drinks and girls talks. And the inevitable girls worries and girls sadness and girls happiness.
There is the belief in a relationship that we need to be with that one person and there is a sense of ownership. But I don’t want that. It reminds me of toys when you are kid. You don’t want other people playing with them. You want them to see you have this toy. It is not about a fear of settling or worry that you see something else you may want more. Why are we so scared of the feelings we have? Should we reduce those of this mindset to be forever single as the majority still function in the realm of date, fuck, split-up, repeat, date, marry, divorce, date marry, stay?
I don’t worry because, thankfully, I have someone who believes this as well. The worst feeling is resentment, and I never want to resent someone I love so much. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to worry, so I don’t.
She asked what it was like to not be self conscious. I suppose the answer is: don’t have anything to lose. What are you scared to lose? What are you worried they will find after you?
This is such a tune for this sort of mindset. It is that feeling of what you do when you feel you could be losing someone. “There is nothing in this world I cannot live without.” We worry too often about what we are losing rather than enjoying what we had to begin with.