To be honest, it’s hard for me to talk about my problems with anyone. I’ve never felt comfortable spilling my guts to family or friends because I’ve always had this keen sense of awareness about the world and all the people that live in it that tells me that they all too have their own problems at hand to deal with; their own ups and downs. Rather than trouble you with negativity, I’ve always been the person to provide light and positivity for those few brief moments that you and I get to spend together and chat. Why bring more drama and bad news into a world full of it at every bend?
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my fair share of moments of despair; ripples in time where I’ve momentarily grown sick of some one or some thing.
I recently became a dad. I’ve learned through this journey that there are things and people that you just can’t change, but that when you are a dad none of it really matters because the only thing that matters anymore is your child. There is no more “me”, because it just becomes him or her. There is no room for what you want the world to idealistically be like because your ideologies have to take second or third place to your child.
Then, all those times when you were hurt in life and recovered begin making sense. All that strength that you didn’t even know you were building up comes out to show you just how strong you can be. It is right then that you start to understand that some people and some things have to be the way they are simply for the mere purpose of testing you. And it is through those tests that you are able to unravel parts of you that you didn’t even know you were building throughout your journey.
I’ve missed my shuttle five times
Like I’ve got nowhere to go”
Patience is the one thing that several years ago, I did not have. I would lose my cool for no reason, constantly fuming at and flickering off stupid people at every step; not realizing that it was me who was the stupid one for losing my patience at the most mundane things. I look back and even wonder how I didn’t catch a stroke or something because I’d get so mad at slow drivers and pedantic talkers. In retrospect, it all seems so stupid, but I don’t regret having been that way because it is what has helped me get through the hurdles today. All the bullshit that I’ve gone through in life is serving its purpose now, and it’s still helping me become a better human being and dad because of it.
I wouldn’t trade all the problems that I thought I had in the past for anything in the world because looking back at them today they weren’t even problems. I guess that’s why I’m glad that I never had to talk about them to anyone now. To waste the time of the people that I love would be the real tragedy. Instead I would brush things off to the side and enjoy my moments with them, and I think that’s what I will teach my son to do too. It’s true what they say about sometimes our problems being nothing in comparison to what the rest of the world is going through. In that case, I’ve had a blessed life, and a very happy one, and that’s what he will have too. Nothing less.
I love you Greysen.
I’ve missed my side of fire
Breathing cold air down bellow
Oh! never-ending Winter
until you came along”
Honorable mention goes to the sped up remix of this by Pascal Junior, which equally rocks; in case you need a pick-me-up right now, that is.