Hot Chip – These Chains

They call me “The Grinch Who Hates Christmas Music.”

Unless it’s choral and recorded before 1950, count me out. My office internet crapped out yesterday, and I had to work out of a Famima (is it a national chain? Think up-market 7-11). Chintzy, overwrought Christmas music for hours…how do the cashiers not go insane?

Christmas has become defined by clichés, and this breed of music is one of them. People can’t let go of creepy creshe scenes, buying people shit they don’t want and have to pretend to like, or, apparently, a white, male, human Santa.

[Briefly on that topic: the Santa Claus character is born from a combo of a 4th century Byzantine bishop (Saint Nicholas), nordic mythology (Odin) and 20th century American commercial advertising. In all of his forms, throughout history, “Santa” has been more or less a European white guy.

But I fully support the switch to a penguin Santa. This gender neutral being raises conservation/climate change awareness while putting to an end the tradition of parents lying to their children and pretending that’s okay “because its not really lying.”

In summary: Penguin Santa. Yes.]

One of the tracks playing in Famima was “Little Saint Nick” by The Beach Boys. Is this overplayed garbage heap The Beach Boys best known song? How depressing that it’s even a possibility.

In the era of big data, we should be able to know, once and for all, if playing Christmas music actually gets people to buy more stuff. I, for one, am driven from the offending business establishment. Anyone else in that boat? (Let me know in the comments so we can start our grassroots movement. Fox News will love this)

When those analytics confirm what is already clear – that Christmas music is the bane of all shoppers and all humans – I submit the following Hot Chip track as a replacement: smooth, appealing, slightly depressing (quick, buy something to feel happier 😀 !!!!!)

Next time you go into a Macy’s and hear the latest Nicolas Jaar or King Krule, you’ll know who to thank.

Hot Chip – These Chains