I thought we were over when I walked out of our apartment and never went back. I knew we were over when a year and a half later there was no word from her. Birthdays and anniversaries passed and not one email or a subliminal message from her on her blog. I moved on with another girl who was just as beautiful, but less erratic, and maybe it had been that same unpredictability that I couldn’t stand that actually made me love her so. I didn’t know at the moment. I was still figuring it all out.
Another year went by and the memories of us faded another notch while the new ones I was building with my current love were forming. My world was once again normal and somehow it was much more vibrant and bright than it had been with her, and then the message I had subconsciously been longing for appeared on my mobile, and I was left flabbergasted for a few moments.
I’m on the last train home
And you call my phone
To say I love you is too strong
But you are all I want.”
I sat there and thought to myself if I was the only one that ever felt this way. You know, waiting for someone you have longed for deep within your bones to reach out to you, as if you were in some kind of love story being written by the greats where at the end the two lovers are reunited after long roads traversed. And then a little bit of guilt took over my insides and I began to feel bad for the current girl I was with who made everything so much sunnier, and I though to myself that I must be a horrible human being because all I could do is fantasize about this ex and I running into one another’s arms, locking tight and making love for days after.
If you’ll see me after
Is the risk I’m taking
A second class lover
In the making.”
There’s nothing scarier to me than living with regret. There’s nothing more haunting than wondering what would have happened if I did just go with my heart and my gut, or with the childish pouts of objects we sometimes put much too high on pedestals. So I went, and in the process I left another broken heart behind, but all along I knew that this beautiful heart I was crushing was way too perfect for me, and that somewhere out there its second half was searching for it the way mine had been searching for me. And with those thoughts I closed my eyes and woke up to my dreams, and my dreams continued exactly where they left off, and life was once again wonderful.
Sometimes when the sun sets I feel alone
Sometimes I feel at home.”