I didn’t think that I would ever catch my breath again the day she left. I foolishly, childishly and pathetically begged her to stay. I shed tears that I tried desperately to hold back, and I fell to my knees as if God snatched the ground from underneath me away.
She would tell me that this was what was best for the both of us. She would tell me that she would always love me and that I would never leave her mind, but who do these people think they’re fooling when they say such things?
I asked for one last hug and held on for way too long. I left tears on her shoulder to dry and I tried every plea I could think of to get her not to leave through those doors. Maybe if she had just told me the truth then it would have been easier. Maybe if I hadn’t fantasized so much about our future together while she was asleep I could have seen what was actually happening while we were awake.
So stay, even though you don’t want to.
Just stay, even though you say you don’t care.”
Since those days I have learned to really see what’s right in front of me. I’ve learned that if someone wants to kiss you then they will, just the same and as easy as someone who wants to be with you will make that known. I’ve learned that when something is real then there is no questioning it. I’ve learned that both men and women are simple in this same way, and that the “it’s complicated” excuse is the lie we tell ourselves to squeeze out another night and another day with something we so selfishly want to hold on to. I say “selfishly” because it is. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t choose to ignore every sign we see in front of us that tells us that this thing we love isn’t for us. Instead we ignore the signs hoping that something we say or do suddenly fixes everything. But that never comes nor does it ever happen. Only the inevitable eventually occurs, and then we are back at square one—in pain. And then in retrospect we come to realize that we actually experienced way more pain in that situation than happiness, and then little by little, we learn to see.
I no longer shed those kinds of tears for love because I have learned that real love doesn’t allow tears in its presence. It finds that kind of thing completely unacceptable. I no longer hold on to loves for longer than I should because love isn’t a thing to be held, and because hearts are incapable of being detained. Instead, I love one day at a time and one moment at a second. Instead, I find my own self incapable of staying anywhere—for now.