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Slaptop – Can’t Figure It Out

Screen Shot 2015-10-24 at 1.07.40 PM

Driving across Venice Blvd last night to Jones Hollywood it finally hit me that I am now fully embedded into this LA life and culture. There were no multicolored leaves anywhere to be found, and the air was much more humid and much warmer than what my senses are used to them feeling at this time of the year. Red light after red light I was surrounded by California license plates all around me. The New York plates below me sticking out like a sore thumb. The Brooklyn Nets hat above me adding to that soreness. And then, a feeling of gasping for air as I realized that Cali is my new home and that I no longer have anything to do with New York because that’s what it had to be. That’s how it was meant to be. I had denied that impulse for much too long, playing around with it before when I was bicoastal; playing around with it when nearly every person I have worked with professionally in the music industry moved out here, one by one.

and all this lying to look like something else.”

I won’t lie. There’s a part of me that’s scared that NYC will become a distant memory for me that will then become a lost thought until it becomes a forgotten dream. There is a part of me that is afraid to lose the pieces of me that make me who I am today because I can get so lost in my moments that everything else disappears into thin air as if it never existed. But then there is a part of me that is embracing such an exciting change in everything that being here represents. All those vision boards throughout the years that existed in my mind of how I pictured my life could be are right here happening, now. What I once thought were only visions of my life in another dimension have become my life in this one. It makes me wonder if I should start envisioning living a happy and healthy life til I’m 200 years old to see what happens.

Stepping in to Jones Hollywood last night and inhaling the atmosphere, my shoulders would dip down on their own as the realization that ‘my new life is here and now‘ took over. There’s an entirely new culture and energy in LA that has hints of what New York City was like for me in the 90’s and early 2,000’s, and the only way to find the same types of amazing creative energies and waves that I once found out there, here, is to live life here and in my now the same way that I lived it when I was there—to, the, motherfucking, FULLEST, engulfing myself deep into the armpits of this beautiful City of Angels that I should now call home.

As scared as one could be about moving so far away from everything they know, is as exciting as one can feel about the same damn thing. It’s those kinds of contradictions right there that I gravitate towards anyway. Contradictions do attract contradictions after all, no?