the more we try,
the more it seems to be in vain.”
I find myself tossing old pieces of me away every time I move from one place to another. Little mementos of a life that used to be that no longer hold any value for me besides sentiment. Sometimes, something inside me feels bad for throwing these items out. Old photos of people I will most likely never see again in this life; old items of clothing that someone, some time ago gifted to me and their scents are long gone from. Then I think about what the possibilities of them remembering these items they gave me are and all that guilt heads out the door.
I’m in a somber mood today. A part of me knowing that this is how things should have always been, and another part of me wishing that the dream could have become a reality. White picket fence, baby running around barefoot, nighttime walks on the beach, just the three of us and eventually a puppy.
Where love never existed love cannot be lost.
I’ve always felt love rather than heard it. I’ve always listened to heartbeats rather than empty words, so I’ve always known what true and real love looks like. Fights only happen when someone doesn’t want to be in the mix and they don’t know how to communicate that. Lack of words, lack of vocabulary. Lack of expression. I don’t pretend to know why, I just know the result because I can spot it before it occurs.
I find myself wondering what old pieces of me I will toss in the garbage within the next few days and which ones I will hold onto. I wonder if Ashley is going through this too out there in London.
One door closes and sometimes a backdoor opens up within the matrix. A backdoor opened up and I will go through it here in LA next week, right before I take off back east. It’s a backdoor that I walked through once before, full of real and true love.
So maybe this was all meant to happen this way. Maybe, just maybe, this is how it all was supposed to be.
Don’t be fooled by what they do for you.”