I’m sitting here at a Starbuck’s in sunny California, fresh from getting a new haircut and sad because I had to leave my son behind today. Life’s got me on-the-go yet again—something I guess I’m still not used to. There’s a feeling whenever uncertainty lurks on the shorelines nearby of hopelessness that lingers. At times, that feeling takes over my complete being for a few seconds. It’s almost like that scene in The Matrix where Neo is being taken over by liquid metal, after taking the pill, and is almost drowned by it. Lucky for me, just like in the film, it only lasts mere seconds, and then all hope and positivity come bouncing back into my entire body, and life is beautiful yet again.
But it’s those few seconds of despair that have the biggest impact on me these days. They make me stronger rather than weaker, and they show me that I still have a lot of growth and repairing to do within me if I want to be the best dad ever.
I want to give my son what I didn’t have. I don’t want him going to school feeling sad or getting bullied about not having a dope dad, or not having a dad at all. I want the very best for him, so it was that struggle right there that had me compromising parts of me that I know did not need any help because I had already taken the time out to fix those. Still, I compromised and moved with his mom out here against my better judgement. When two people can be explosive around and towards one another as just friends, imagine what happens when you toss a baby in the mix and decide to cohabit together… Yea. Fire fucking works, to say the least. And then comes the period of reflection where I ask myself how I even got into another explosive bout with her, and that’s when it kicks in that I still have all this growth to do because had I been where I need to be with myself, then I wouldn’t have allowed her words or actions or jabs bother me in the least. I would have and should have brushed it all off as just more noise, especially if I’m trying to teach my son to be the best version of me and her, and the best human he could possibly be.
Leading by example is the only way to redemption. I know now that her and I don’t have to share a bedroom or a roof to be great parents. She’s a really awesome mom. I only hope that she looks at me as a really awesome dad, but even if she doesn’t today, her and him will because the only way to being dope is to, be, dope.
Autumn Thieves by Model Man is apparently a good tune for a Monday reflection session. It’s something you can throw on and work your problems away through. Maybe it’s those piano strokes or just the overall mood of it. Who knows? All I know is that the road ahead of me is somewhat paved, meaning that I know exactly what I have to do and who I have to become. I’m getting there. I am definitely getting there.