Two hearts, get together
I lose in the storm
Too far from each other
Too late to be alone”
She told me that I needed to slow down. That I had been bouncing around the earth for far too long and that I should settle down somewhere for once, so that the universe could catch up. I rolled my eyes as I read her words. I hit reply and then nothing came out. I wanted to tell her that my spirit was restless because that’s what spirits are supposed to do. We’re wanderers by design.
A couple of emails later she asked me what I thought about her moving to New York. Had she asked me two or three years ago I would have fallen out of my chair and answered with a bold YES! But things have changed and my life is different, so I told her that I couldn’t tell her what she wanted me to. I mean, how much of an adult can you really be if you can’t make your own decisions, right?
I’m in a place where I find myself less around people who can’t make decisions on things. They don’t know where to eat or what to drink when they do get there. They don’t know what to wear or how to wear it. I find these people to annoy me more than anything because little by little I start seeing pieces of me in them. It’s not that I don’t like myself—no. It’s just that I hate carbon copies of anything. The worst part is that these vultures give you zero credit when they steal the pieces of you they admire. Even worse is how they pretend that all of it is their very own conception, continuing blissfully into their mindless existences.
you never know where you want to go; you can barely decide what it is that you want to eat or drink. but you want to be where I am and order what I’m having. and then you want to walk away like you make all the decisions in your life until we meet again and still you never know where you want to go. that’s all you ever really wanted from me―to tell you exactly how to be.”
I want to surround myself with people who know exactly what they want the moment they’ve finished studying the menu. I hate to be asked what it is that I’m ordering only to have my selections mimicked. I want to spend my time with people who have tried all the wines in the world out and know exactly the ones they like, even if they haven’t heard of a particular brand before. I need to be around the kind of people that order the most off-the-chart things simply because they have never had them.
She was once all the things that I wanted. However, I never needed her. She taught me so much and I am grateful for all that she showed me around the world. It was a lot. It has led me back here to NYC. But I am no longer that version of me that she first met and once knew. I no longer see any value in her. There is nothing left for her to teach me, and as awful as that might all sound, it is the only truth I know.