Things we need, things we crave are so bittersweet. The drugs of our lives. Love, attention, feeling…how are these different than weed, wine, coke? Similarly addictive, similarly dangerous in the wrong hands. But society dictates the latter are criminal, and the former are romantic.
I’ve dated or fucked 20-30 different people in the last year or so. And generally enjoyed myself but felt almost nothing apart from physical, animal pleasure. Strung out on sordid affairs that gave little to my spiritual well being but kept me afloat in the inane world of dating and the odyssey for ‘love.’
And then a week ago I met a person who crushed me. Over a few days I watched as they moved around me like a searing energy nucleus…cutting into me and compelling my vision, attention, emotion. Is this what love feels like…struck so hard with NEEDING that it elicits an aggressive physical sensation, like getting hit in the gut with a spiked baseball bat?
Beautiful yes, but BRUTAL too. Goddamn. I’ve never tried heroin or crack but this might be what it’s like to live the life of one of those junkies from ‘The Wire’ or something.
I relate to the pain in Nevve’s words on this Kill Paris gem. And I will pursue the bizarre need, the hunger for this person I speak of, like it was fentanyl…oxy…vicodin.
Wish me luck.